Leader of My Pack

Over the last few months, I noticed a few people I am down with and a few people who are down with me.  The peculiar thing about this, both said not contain the same people. I have changed how I interact with many people; some do not seem to have noticed.

Some of these people who once held a high place in my life were not surprised about this. I had conversations with them personally.  I didn’t say I am not going to be involved with you anymore.  Instead, I said I am not happy with this relationship, and this is why.  For most of them, this was not the first conversation about our friendship.  However, this was going to be the last one.

There were not going to be any more “This what you can do to fix it.” conversations.  Simply stated, I tried to fix things, but there was not a response. If there was a response to change, it did not occur.  I was at the point of accepting the new parameters of the friendship.  I had finally realized the loss of the place they had in my life. I can’t for anyone to be what they do not want to be. I can’t insist on a certain level of friendship.  What I can do, however, is move away from or “reclassify” things that do not fit me any longer.  I had to be the leader of my pack.


All the pain I was feeling before the conversation was because I was not accepting this as a new status.  I was fighting against the truth of the matter.  In a way, by not opening my eyes to the truth, I was hurting myself. By expressing and acknowledging the new state of things, I could free myself of that grief and move forward.  

Yes, I still “see” them around me, and, in some cases, I love them still.  The difference is, I no longer let them hurt me. I know what to expect from them. I no longer have to depend on them to help nourish my soul or feed my companionship without an invitation from myself first.  

I’ve been learning a lot about limiting and protecting myself from anything and everyone. If it does not enrich my life, then I have no space for it.  The hardest lesson has been learning NOTHING is immune from this process.  This practice is about creating and accepting peace within myself. Setting boundaries can be immensely challenging but equally rewarding.  

I will not beg for love.  I will not beg for attention.  I will not beg for respect.  I will not even ask or demand them.  If my actions and interactions do not lend themselves to receiving those gifts, then the universe has shown that a particular person is not to reside in my life at this time.  I will no longer force it.  I will not take it personally.   

I am the leader of my pack. Each of us can be the leaders of our pack while residing in other packs as well. Each of us can control our circles.  We can control how we allow people to treat us. We can control how people act within our pack. Of course, initial “offenses” will happen, and we can control if we will continue to let ourselves be exposed to them again.

Dealing with Fear

It took me so long to understand how much fear I lived with and how it was slowly strangling my dreams and life. I wouldn’t make moves with Simply Catering because I could not see a clear path to success. I was afraid to fail, which meant I was scared to try.

Growing hurts! It is calling “growing pains” for a reason. It is not easy to be uncomfortable. To look myself in the face and say, “I’m afraid,” was one of the most vulnerable feelings I have faced. It seemed like out of the blue when I decided I was NOT going to be controlled by fear anymore. I was going to move in confidence. I was not going to be afraid to fall on my face. I was not going to be scared to be successful. I was not going to be afraid to heal. I was not going to be scared of my best possible self.

With that in mind, I moved 2000 miles away. I gave up some of my independence and freedom by living in another person’s home. I can not express how much it stung my pride. I was a forty-four-year-old woman with a cat, renting a room in someone else’s house, after eight years of being on my own again.

However, I could not get hung up on pride. I need to take these steps back to take steps forward. It has taken almost a year, but I have never felt healthier. Crazy part is, I am not even CLOSE to reaching my goals. Yes, I have GOALS and PLANS! I am not going to let fear stop me from moving towards them, changing or achieving them.

A Night Out in Dayton

After being cooped up in the house, a night out in Dayton was on the menu. However, this is my first winter here in Ohio. Now being a California girl, this single-digit weather does not agree with my constitution. That being said, it is not as bad as I thought it would be. It has been a while since I had been out and about. When I found out  Picwas having mac-n-cheese pop up at Toxic Brew Company, it was the perfect reason to brave the elements.  

Upon arriving at Toxic Brew, it was pretty crowded for a cold weeknight. My friend and I promptly jumped in line to get our mac-n-cheese. It was a cool little set up where they add the sauce and condiments of your choice to the macaroni. Pictured above is the buffalo mac and cheese with bacon and ranch dressing that I ordered. For the most part, it was pretty tasty. Unfortunately, it was a bit cold. I think they were cold holding the pasta, thinking the cheese sauce would be hot enough to warm them up. It just wasn’t enough heat. 

After we finished our pasta, we hung out for a bit, until it was a bit too crowded for my anxiety. Little did I know that was just the start of my panic.

A Night Out in Dayton Takes a Turn

My friend had been ill recently and wasn’t able to drive. Not having much to do, I donated my time to help her get around. Once this night, I was on my way to pull the car around to pick up when I noticed I didn’t have the keys. Frantically, I was rushing back to the bar to see if my friend had the keys. She did not. A search around the area we were seated was launched. After that failed, I asked the staff if they had seen them.

I decided to check the car to see if I had possibly locked them in the car. There was no such luck, a man asked me what was wrong, and I told him I lost my keys. Lucky for me, someone had found them and placed them on the pay for parking kiosk. 

Being happy and relieved didn’t completely counteract the feeling of wanting to pass out. As a result of this adventure, my heart rate had increased. Regardless of the temperature outside, my forehead was covered with sweat. Closing my eyes, I paused in my tracks and took 4 deep, slow breaths. It was only after those calming breaths I was able to relax enough to drive home.  Thank goodness for coping skills!

Cajun Red Beans and Rice

Cajun Red Beans and Rice is one of my favorite comfort foods.  It is an inexpensive and easy soul-satisfying meal.  People have been using beans and rice for decades to feed their families on a budget.  With the vegan version of this dish, it is even less expensive to make.  A pound of most dried beans costs around $1.50 and will feed about four to six people. 

The vegetables are nothing fancy, just the Holy Trinity.  The Holy Trinity is to Cajun and Creole cooking as the Mirepoix is French cooking.  Both mirepoix and the trinity are flavor bases for the cuisines. The trinity consists of onion, celery, and bell pepper.  The mirepoix is onions, celery, and carrot.  Usually, there is a 2:1 ratio, with the onions being the more significant part.  For example, if you have one cup of onion, you would need a half cup of celery and a half cup of carrots or bell pepper.

Seasoning

Now for the seasoning, a bay leaf, salt, and pepper are mandatory. No ifs, ands, or buts! Next are the other spices, such as cayenne pepper, smoked paprika (or liquid smoke), and thyme.  Now some say, do not add salt to your beans as they cook because they will never get soft.  In the past, it has been my experience adding salt at the start of the cooking process lengthens the cooking time.

All of this simmers in a luxurious vegetable stock. I like Kitchen Basics. There are a few options for cooking vessels: crockpot, in a pot on the stovetop, or an Instant Pot.  To honest, I have heard people using their oven on low in lew of a crockpot. One other thing, if you go the stovetop route. Make sure the pot is covered.   Using a lid ensures you have plenty of liquid to go over your rice.

Lastly, about 30 minutes before your beans are done, put a pot of rice.  Do yourself a favor, and drop a bay leaf in there as well.

I hope you enjoy our little chat about Cajun red beans and rice.  Feel free to check out some recipes while you are here.